For many years, miscreants from all over the Potomac River have gathered at Belmont Bay off of Mason Neck State Park for a massive raft-up party, and this year is no different. Belmont-a-Palooza happens on June 12, and boats of all sizes will be there. There will even be live entertainment this year from the Stormin’ Norman Band!
The official Facebook page for the event is here. But, for those first-timers not knowing what to expect, we interviewed Capt Spike of Pirati Yacht Tours to get his take on the event. For better or worse, here’s what he had to say!
PG: How would you describe Belmont-a-Palooza?
Spike: Well, it started out as an event with only a few boats, but has since turned into an event that is unequalled or unparalleled to anything on the Potomac River.
PG: Can you tell people what the event is like?
Spike: If you go to Belmont-a-Paloozza, expect debacles, debauchery, piracy, drinking, music, camaraderie, friendship, and a time you will not EVER forget. You’ll meet new friends, old friends, and friends you’ll never be old friends with!
PG: Any suggestions for first-timers?
Spike: There are several rules that need to be obeyed. Every other boat must drop bow and stern anchor. The raft-up runs parallel to the Occoquan Channel, and you should make sure you have plenty of fenders ready so you don’t damage other boats. Big boats go next to big boats, small boats go next to small boats. If necessary we will do 2 rows of boats stern-to-stern so there’s a “mosh pit” in the middle.
PG: Anything else to add?
Spike: Yes. Refer to Spike’s Rules for Boating. Specifically rules 1-9.
So now we have to post Capt Spike’s official rules. Remember, these are his rules, not ours but they mostly make sense!
- Show up on time, we don’t need to be waiting for your stoner ass to arrive while we bake in the sun on hot asphalt while our ice melts. (And show up with ice)
- Bring your own beer. Seriously? The fact I have to even mention it is pathetic…and bring enough for other people too. Don’t be that asshole asking to “bum” a beer off people. I don’t care if you’re a hot chick or only gonna have one. Everyone contributes.
- Don’t bring red wine. We already know about your sophisticated pallet. We aren’t on a Yacht, and you’re a fucking drunk with bad balance, so leave the glass at home while you’re at it too!
- Kick the boat owner down for gas. And not $20. Remember that big ass lifted truck with the huge wheels and tires and the loud exhaust that dragged the boat to the lake/River? That shit doesn’t run on hopes and dreams either. so $40 per person is customary. A day of boating can easily go over $150 in fuel. Not to mention one of you drunk assholes breaks something every time we are out, so consider that a deal.
- Don’t bring any random people without prior consent of the boat owner! Nobody wants to be held hostage for 6 hours in a confined space with someone who is Crying, Mad, An Asshole, hitting on your chicks, Ugly or any combination thereof. And don’t ask if you can bring a dude, I’m sure he’s amazing an all. He can meet up with us later….. Or not. To bring a chick, send a photo (recent) to the boat owner beforehand (full body in a bikini) for prior authorization.
- That chick in your group? The one doing shots at 11 am and vomiting by 2? She can stay home too. You know who your train-wrecks are and you’ll be held responsible if you bring one. I don’t care if she’s hot.
- We don’t go back early to drop off or pick up. As fun as it is to run the gauntlet of Sheriff Boats back to the dock as they watch you try to dock a boat wasted, in the wind, while you’re seeing double isn’t fun, not safe. Don’t ask.
- Don’t smoke on the boat, not even on the edge. You’re a drunk idiot, so I’ll tell you twice before you burn the upholstery. And chew at your own risk, because if I ever take a swig of Coors light and get a mouthful of your spit, I will not warn you before I knock you the fuck out….No exceptions.
- Have a wonderful day and don’t forget sun screen, but don’t spray that shit on my boat!
- Please don’t puke in the bathroom always remember to puke on the leeward side not windward. And if you have to ask what that means – you can’t come aboard.
In short, come on down and raft up, but be prepared to stay the night. See you all out there!